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Following the Rules vs Being Yourself
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Following the Rules vs Being Yourself
Following the “Rules” vs. Being Yourself
Amy:
We have a question from Suzanne, and she asks:
“Some of my friends have read books like The Rules and follow a
speciic plan every time they meet a guy. While it seems to work
sometimes, it doesn’t feel natural to me. At the same time, I’m
also afraid that not following some type of rules will lead me to
make the same mistakes I always have in the past. Is there a happy
medium?”
Marie: Here’s my take on it.
Rules are born out of the past and are usually born out of
upsets
. They literally pollute the present moment and contaminate your future.
We’ve got to get that every single moment is brand-new and full of ininite
possibilities, if you’re there to actually see them. By adhering to a set of rules, you
severely cut off what’s possible from a truly magical and authentic relationship.
The other thing about rules is they’re designed out of fear and scarcity to keep
someone off-balance and keep them wondering about you. It’s like, “Let me not
call him for three days, so he really thinks I’m busy.” In my particular point of view,
it’s like trying to get a guy insecure. It’s like trying to volitionally make someone
feel off-center in themselves and to hook their attention in a manipulative kind of
way.
For me, it just doesn’t work. You don’t want that. You don’t want to have some
guy feeling really insecure around you, because even if he’s fogged at irst and
likes the chase of it, what you’re doing is building in the long-term game-playing
routine that you’ll both have to keep up.
That’s the other thing. Rules require a constant and exhausting self management.
Rather than just being yourself and just saying what’s true for you, you have to
constantly refer back to your rulebook to see how to operate.
Finally, of course, rules kill your irresistibility, the
uniqueness
that is you. It’s
almost as if you’re operating in a very robotic, mechanical way. Rather than
allowing for spontaneity and allowing for yourself to just show up newly in each
moment, it’s this set of A + B + C = D. Does that sound romantic and lovely?
From my point of view, the real key to authentic attraction is who you are
being
at
any moment of time. If you’re open, honest, engaged, and interested, that’s going
to be very attractive to a
mature
and
available
man.
That’s a key point. If you want a mature and available man, he’s absolutely going
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Following the Rules vs Being Yourself
to appreciate a woman who’s direct and there and being herself. If you want
someone to play childish games, then it just begs the question, “What kind of
man do you really want?”
I have two really good friends. They’re authors and my mentors, Ariel and Shya
Kane. They’ve been together for over twenty-ive years. They met one night, and
very quickly they were intimate. They knew they were it for each other, meaning
that, “This is the person I want to be with.” They didn’t play games. Twenty-ive
years of marriage and work later, they’re still together.
I know other people like that as well. That’s not to say that the lip side isn’t true,
but rules are one of those things that are meant to be broken. Adhering to a set
of rules doesn’t account for the uniqueness that’s you. You’re literally one of 6.5
billion human beings on the planet. There’s no rule that can account for you.
Amy:
That is absolutely beautiful. Why do we need rules anyway? Why do you
personally need a rule to tell you what to do on a date? I would guess that the
answer would be that you’re afraid that you’re not good enough. Marie, tell us
again what that attitude – this feeling that we’re not good enough, so we need a
rule to keep up from making a mistake – leads to.
Marie: First of all, it’s very human. Personally, if I get knocked into an insecure place, my
mind triggers thoughts of, “I’m not good enough. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I’m not smart enough.” Those thought patterns never go away, no matter how
present you are.
Here’s where the fun part comes in. The more you get
here
and you just remember
that you have a mind but you’re not your mind, you can say, “Thanks for sharing,”
when those thoughts pop up and literally just keep redirecting your attention
out.
You know, when you get
here,
you’re actually
appropriate
to your life. Rather
than having to refer back to a rule on how to do it right, you can look and see
within yourself and there’s a truth that occurs in each of us. It happens in an
instant. It happens when you’re
here.
I was speaking at a seminar group this weekend, and it was so interesting because
one of my points that I was making is that I’m not a guru at all. I don’t have all the
answers. I don’t know what women should do.
They
know what they should do
if they get
here.
Each of us human beings has this incredible capacity for knowledge and wisdom,
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Following the Rules vs Being Yourself
and there’s so much truth that each of us have inside of ourselves. The problem is
that we’re usually so reliant on our mind, which is a past/future-based machine,
that we literally can’t access that.
That’s why I’m such a big cheerleader for being here, because when you get
here, the mind has a tendency to quiet down a bit. You have access to all your
own internal wisdom, which is so much better than anyone else – whether it’s
myself or Amy or anyone else on the market – can tell you what to do. If you start
trusting yourself, you’ll actually build that skill set and that muscle up. You’ll see
that as you trust yourself, you trust yourself more and more and more, and you’ll
ind your own wisdom popping up like you could never believe.
Amy:
The beautiful thing about that, as well, is that you’ll start attracting men who are
right for you. Men who are wrong for you will just drop away. The problem with
making sure that you follow your
Do’s
and your
Don’ts
to attract any guy is that
what this teaches you to do is to attract
any
guy.
I don’t have time to waste attracting Mr. Wrong. I would rather know right off the
top that he’s Mr. Wrong and I’m not going to see him again because there’s not a
natural spark or connection. The way that he knows he’s Mr. Wrong and I know
he’s Mr. Wrong is that I am myself and he’s himself and there’s just not a click.
That’s ine; let that go. I’m going to go on to the next guy, with whom I’m going to
be my authentic self and see if there’s a spark.
The other thing that I’d just like to point out is if you do follow these techniques
or rules, what you’re going to incite in a man is not love. There’s this misbelief
that following Do’s and Don’ts can make a man love you. What it can do is it
can make a man become
infatuated
with you. It can make him become
obsessed
with you because, of course, you’re playing with his mind. That may feel like a
great feeling of power, if you’re into having power over other people, but what it
doesn’t do is get him to love you.
There’s a psychologist named Dorothy Tennov who has a concept that, when
we’re in the initial stages of infatuation and attraction, we should not call it love
at all. She says that we should call the irst stage of attraction
limerence
, not love.
She has a totally different word for it. What rules will do is incite
limerence
in this
man, which is infatuation. He wants to know more. He’s obsessed with you.
You know that your relationship is moving toward
genuine
real love when your
relationship hits the conlict stage. Before, you’ve got these lovely blind eyes; he
can do no wrong. Suddenly, conlict hits. You start seeing the real him. He starts
seeing the real you. If you truly love each other, it doesn’t matter how many laws
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Following the Rules vs Being Yourself
you see in the other person, because you truly do love them.
If you are your genuine self straight off from the bat, you are going to get close
to building a bond and connection with him so that when you do hit that irst
conlict, you’re going to say, “Hey, that’s you. You have a law. I don’t care. I want
to stick this out.”
That’s how you’re going to get love. The other way you’ll just get infatuation.
Infatuation wears off.
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